FEAR FACTORS....or..... Sharks, Clowns and Angels! Oh My!

I read once that 'shark' creates a greater fear reaction in people than any other word. Try it sometime. Walk up behind a friend and yell "shark!" Chances are she will jump three inches off the ground and yelp, even if you’re not in the water...even if you're in Kansas. Fear of sharks, called Selachophobia, is widespread around the world. And sure, a shark attack is a scary way to die, but people just don't have the same reaction to 'dog' (you're much more likely to die from a dog bite than shark), or 'lightening'. People don't even get the same rise out of shouting 'fire' though the destructive capability of a fire far outdoes that of a shark. Also, it's much harder to shout 'theater' in a crowded shark....

Shark fear is understandable to a point, after all, they do occasionally kill people, and more importantly, we have all seen JAWS, many of us at a tender age, which probably has more to do with our irrational fear that any biological instinct. I suspect Hollywood is responsible for another phobia which affects a smaller portion of the population. I am speaking of Coulrophobia, or the fear of clowns, an affliction I am willing to bet was virtually unheard of before Stephen King's novel "It" was made into a for-tv-movie. Before the book, I doubt the term even existed.

Adam has a touch of Coulrophobia. Not to the point that it affects his daily life or anything, but our kids generally don't have stuffed clowns or books that feature clowns. Adam is never the first to suggest we hit the circus when it's in town, and whenever we sleep over at his mom's place, he makes sure her porcelain clown doll beds down in a different room. Now, clowns don't bother me much (Tim Curry's Pennywise aside) but I have to admit, that doll is downright creepy. It has the face of a harlequin clown, but with the orange 'fro of an Auguste clown. The features are painted on a juvenile face form, and the artist just missed getting the eyes and smile right, so that what is supposed to look like a cheerful, endearing child playing dress-up instead comes across as Chucky headed out to trick or treat. It's an evil-child thing, which brings me to my own irrational and ridiculous fear. Cherubs.

Now, not surprisingly, there is no official word for fear of cherubs or even angels in general but all the same, cherubs creep me out. Something about their fat, nude, winged little bodies strikes me as grotesque.

Cherubs really started making an appearance in painting and sculpture during the renaissance, when artists like Michelangelo were intent upon portraying the human body in great detail. Thus, many cherubs from this time period appear all at once to be plump and infantile, yet incredibly well muscled. This, for me, is not a good combination. These days, cherubs are most often the province of outdoor statuaries and dollar store ceramics sweatshops. The cherubs have kept their muscular, fat little bodies, which are often paired with poorly done faces with blank, pupil-less eyes. The eyebrows are all wrong, and the little things often appear to be angry. They are fat, mean, muscular spirits with wings and they don't like you.

This being my overall impression of cherubs, imagine my horror in learning that Maria found two gold spray painted cherubs in the warming compartment of the wood cook oven in her new house. Oy. You can just rock me to sleep tonight. I ambled back home from Maria's hearing things (probably chickens) rustling in the brush on the side of the road, heart pounding, imagination running wild. I made it safely home, eager to relate my tale of horror to Adam. I hop into bed, shiver down into the covers. "Do you know what's even scarier than a clown?" I ask him. "Yeah," he says, "A clown riding a shark."